I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
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