Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
