I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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