my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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