do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize