i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
