There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
