My balls are so social today.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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