I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
