tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
