you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
