there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
