I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
