we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
