Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
