so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
