On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
