Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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