i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
