Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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