I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
