I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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