I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
