Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
