We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
