....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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