she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize