i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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