My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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