I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
