Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
