Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
