I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize