I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
