Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
