Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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