i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just want to make out with him forever
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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