I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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