stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
