The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
