TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
