we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize