so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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