Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize