I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
