I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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