Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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