It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize