Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
