accomplished twins. life is a go
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
