So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
