I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
