and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
