Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He felt like a one man threesome
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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