Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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