life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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