can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She even gives head with a lisp.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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