Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
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