someone threw a dead crab at me
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
