I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize