I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
