The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you will always have a special place in my vag
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
