Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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