Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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