i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
