Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
