smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
