grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
