you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
