If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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