i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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