I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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